His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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