My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
