you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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