you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
We have started to decorate penises.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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