meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
