this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
