Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
