Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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