Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
