My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
