Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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