My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize