He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
