Fine. I'll sleep in my office
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
