dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
