I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
