It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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