He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
