My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
