Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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