who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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