I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize