Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
