I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
