I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
