If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
