so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
