So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
