I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
