i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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