Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I am puke
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Im part way to drunk.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
