I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
