I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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