My liver just broke up with me...
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
