So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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