Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
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