it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
