Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
