If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
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