she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
The beer is more important than you right now.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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