How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
