I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
