I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
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