We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
