the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
