I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
