I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
