last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
