Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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