ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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