I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
