were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
