At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
