If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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