You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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