I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
