make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
